Horseback Riding for Dummies
by BellatorDeiLodie
Summary: Zim has suffered many things on the horrible planet known as "Earth", but never has he been introduced to the terrifying sport of...HORSEBACK RIDING!  Note: I did not write this. A friend of mine did. Moved from my other account.


He stared into two huge, brown, unblinking eyes.

They stared back at him.

The thought of what he was about to do became more and more repulsive to him, and he started to edge away…

"Hey, SPACEBOY!"

He muttered a word that would have caused a Table-Headed Service-Drone-Bot to blush before turning to face his nemesis.

"What's wrong, Zim?" grinned his enemy. "Scared?"

"Nonsense! Zim is not scared! Zim is…"

The monster behind him sneezed.

"Guuugh! Yuck! Icky!" Zim screamed, dancing backwards and trying to wipe his neat Invader uniform clean. This planet was so full of…filth. And germs. He shuddered at the thought. Nasty, germy germs.

Trying to ignore the Dib, he glared again into those enormous eyes. "Stupid Earth-thingy. Dare to sneeze on Zim. You shall be the first to go after I destroy this pitiful little planet—well, after I take care of the bees, anyway."

Dib hung over the fence, taking great pleasure in the discomfort of his enemy. "Well, are you gonna ride, or aren't you?"

"Make silence, Dib-stink! Zim is…ummmm…allergic. Yes. Allergic to your filthy Earth-monster thing."

"You didn't say anything about that while you were shouting about how amazing you were, when you took that dare."

Zim swallowed hard.

"Or are you chicken?"

"HA!" Zim waved away the idea. "Zim is not one of your feathered little meat creatures. Zim is Zim. I AM ZIM!"

"Uh, yeah. I know."

The horse shifted its weight, impatient to get this over with.

"Where did you get this filthy creature, anyway?"

"I rented it."

Zim shook his head. The humans had all kinds of strange customs…actually paying monies to sit on the back of one of these horrible things!

"Get on already! Geez, Zim, for always declaring how superior your alien race is…"

"Hmph! And have _you_ ever ridden one of these Earth smellies, Dib-thing?"

"Actually, yes."

_Of course,_ Dib mused to himself, _I haven't ridden one bareback…_

Zim grabbed the reins and tugged the horse over to what looked like a miniature staircase pieced together from slats of wood. He could barely reach the first step; he nearly had to crawl up on hands and knees.

"Um," he said, looking nervously at the horse. Its back still seemed miles above him. "How do you 'mount up', or whatever it is you humans do?"

This was bad. Dib had all the power in the world over Zim at that moment, and he knew it.

The polite thing to do would have been to offer Zim a leg up. But then…they were never polite to each other. Ever.

"Oh, just grab the mane and jump on."

The green-skinned boy did as ordered. One hand full of mane, he tried—oh, he tried!—to pull himself up onto the back of that huge, enormous, gargantuan, horse.

"Mmmff! Arrgh! Grrrrr…" He was hanging off the horse's side, legs kicking and flailing, one hand holding on for dear life. The horse twisted its neck to look at him.

"YEEP!" he shrieked in terror, trying to move away, trying to go any direction that would take him farther from that horse's head. He'd seen a horse's teeth once before, and had no desire to have those things any closer to him that was absolutely necessary.

Fear sent a burst of energy coursing through him, and he pulled himself up onto the horse's back…

And straight on down the other side.

"OOOMPH!"

Dib laughed so hard he nearly fell off the fence rail.

Zim just lay there on the ground, staring up at the sky and hoping that the monster would finish him quickly.

When no huge teeth appeared to chew and nom-nom him into very small pieces, he stood and brushed himself off. The horse had wandered off and was nibbling a few blades of grass in one corner of the paddock.

"Stupid, _stupid,_ STUPID Earth-thingy!" Zim yelled as he stomped in its direction.

Unfortunately for Zim, though, the horse saw him coming and trotted away most disrespectfully.

Zim cursed that horse. He wished every horrible doom he could think of on it. He would have liked to drown it, shoot it, hang it, poison it. But as the dare was incomplete, he could do none of these things. He could, however, catch that horse…

Or so he thought.

For the next half-hour, the horse led Zim a merry chase, around and around, while Dib just sat on the fence and smiled. And smiled. He couldn't seem to stop smiling. He was still smiling when Zim marched up to the mounting block, horse in tow, and tried to hoist himself up once more.

Zim was halfway onto the horse's back when the horse, having tasted both freedom and grass, decided he wanted more and set off in search of them. Zim's rear end hit the dust for the second time that day, and, for the second time that day, he chased the horse around until it took pity on him and let him grab the reins.

It took a few more tries for Zim to get seated on the horse's back, but he finally did, much to his enemy's disappointment. The horse stood resignedly, one ear flicked back.

"Dib-monkey?"

"What?"

"Errmmmm…what should Zim do now?"

"Kick it as hard as you can."

Zim felt a little wary of this suggestion. From his experience, one should never kick an enemy unprovoked—especially if one's enemy happens to weigh half a ton and coats his feet with iron. Kicking someone pretty much guaranteed that they would kick you back—or worse.

"Go on," Dib pressed. "That's what you're supposed to do."

So Zim kicked the horse.

The horse's head shot up in indignation, and it took off at a swift trot. Zim thought his jaw was going to knock his eyeballs out. His teeth were chattering as he bounced up and down on the horse's back. He wished he could fall off, but his hands had a death grip on the reins and refused to let go.

"Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh!" he gasped out as his rear end thumped up and down, up and down.

He yanked back on the reins, without even meaning to. The horse's pace slowed.

Zim sighed in relief and settled back, wrapping his legs around the horse's barrel for extra security.

Off they went again, up and down, fast and bumpy, while Dib laughed so hard tears formed in his eyes.

"STOP!" Zim squealed, his voice coming out a few octaves higher than normal. "CEASE AND DESIST!" He pulled on the reins.

The horse slowed to a walk.

"Okay, time to work!" Dib yelled. "Heels down, shoulders back, sit up straight! Toes forward! Look where you're going! Hold on with your knees!"

"Why the flirk would I hold on with my knees?" Zim practically wailed. "Isn't that what the reins are for?"

"No!"

"Ehhhh…"

Dib spouted all the phrases he'd ever picked up from watching riding lessons, and Zim sat there on the horse and prayed that it would end quickly. The horse knew good and well that this little green person could not make him listen. He could yell and threaten and kick, but he couldn't make him listen. So the horse did whatever he felt like, while Zim held on, listened to Dib's instruction, and cursed the horse.

"Now," Dib grinned, "let's try a trot, shall we?"

"NO!" screamed Zim. He let himself roll off the horse's back, hitting the ground with a thud. He stood and dusted himself off, adjusting his wig. "Zim has had enough of your horrible, smelly, horseback-riding stuff! _You_ ride, Dib-monkey! Zim is through!"

Dib shrugged and led the horse over to the mounting block. He got on first try, and the horse walked off just fine, behaving like a normal horse should. Zim scrambled onto the fence and watched.

"Stupid Dib," he muttered. "Stupid pointy-haired big-head. Stupid horse letting him ride. Stupid Dib-thing, with his little glasses on his huge head."

The horse trotted around in neat little circles. Dib wasn't posting—he hadn't picked up that much yet—but he wasn't bouncing a lot, either. He was sitting up pretty straight, his heels down, his shoulders back.

A slow, evil grin spread itself across Zim's face.

"I have a plan…an amazing plan."

The next time Dib came around the ring, Zim was sitting on the fence, one hand behind his back. Dib kept a wary eye on him, just waiting for him to try something dumb. The horse trotted past with no incident.

Zim yanked the stick from behind his back, whacked it across the horse's rump, and screamed, "HI-HO SILVER!"

Off went the horse, Dib's perfect posture failing him when he needed it most as he flopped over the horse's neck and clung on for dear life. "Whoa, _whoa, _WHOA!" The horse ignored all desperate pleas for mercy, galloping forward until it saw the fence approaching.

It slid to a dead halt, and Dib kept right on going over its head.

Zim laughed. Laughed until his sides hurt. Laughed until tears were streaming down his face. Laughed until he rolled off the fence, and lay there in the dust, still laughing.

Revenge is sweet.

The horse, realizing that the danger was past, found a clump of grass and began the task of devouring it.

Zim was still lying on the ground, engulfed in mirth. His eyes were squeezed shut. When, at last, his laughter began to diminish, he opened his eyes.

The first thing he saw was a pair of black boots.

Dib glared down at him, his trench coat sporting some nice, jagged holes, his face bruised and covered in dust.

"…You jerk."

…..

"My Tallests," Zim addressed the monitor, "I have discovered a new weapon the humans may use against us. It is known as 'horseback riding'. The victim is forced to sit upon the back of a huge, smelly monster with—GIR, GET OFF MY HEAD! (Pardon that, my Tallests…I am still learning the ways of this highly advanced technology.) Anyhow, it's a monster with enormous teeth and iron-shod hooves. The creature (the humans call it a 'horse') then runs around and around until the rider falls off."

"Are these horses…tall?"

"Indeed, my Tallest. At least as tall as you."

Red could not wrap his mind around this concept. First the humans…now these horses. Two Earth species both taller than him and his co-ruler.

"Yet, they're dumb and smelly?"

"Like the Vortian slorbeast, my Tallest."

Purple took a slurp of his soda and elbowed Red. "Pssst, can we get outta here? I'm hungry."

Red nodded agreement. "Okay, Zim. That's great. Well, we've—"

"WAIT, MY TALLESTS!"

"Look, we've got a ton of things to do today, and…oh, well, hurry up."

"This horseback riding may be used against the humans."

"Is that all?"

"Um, no…"

Purple could hear his stomach rumbling. He thought of nachos…and donuts…oh, donuts!

"What is it now, Zim?"

"I've, um, discovered something else. The humans call this 'peanut butter'. It's very yummy…"

"Okay, great. Bye, Zim."

"WAIT! I'VE—"

The screen went black.

"My Tallests?" Zim stared at the screen. "MY TALLESTS! NOOOOOOOOOOO—ah, well."

He leaned back in his chair and sunk his teeth into a peanut butter sandwich.

"Um, yum, (chomp scarf chew), so good, so sticky, so—"

He stopped in mid-bite, and eyed the sandwich with suspicion. Carefully, half-afraid of what he might see, he peeled the two pieces of bread apart.

"Gir…WHY IS THERE A HAIRBRUSH IN MY SANDWICH?"


End file.
